


Tulips and Crimson

by pastelinings



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Hanahaki AU, M/M, this is the first time i've written a sad story like this and i am in tears
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-11
Updated: 2018-08-11
Packaged: 2019-06-25 19:00:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15646974
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pastelinings/pseuds/pastelinings
Summary: hanahaki au!Jihoon can feel it, not just in the roots that pierce his lungs, but in the atmosphere around him, that maybe he and Soonyoung were falling apart past the point of saving.





	Tulips and Crimson

**Author's Note:**

> hello! this is a request from Ariesachii on twitter! it was supposed to be a hanahaki au! drabble, but it ended up writing itself into something longer than a drabble (i think), and so i decided to post it here! i really do hope you like it and feel the pain of this fic like i did (i cried so much while writing this, how do authors write angst and sad things?) 
> 
> the song that i listened to while writing this was smile flower :( i added some lyrics as well. smile flower is truly one of the most beautiful and honest songs i've ever listened to. 
> 
> thank you for all your support and love! please enjoy! you can hmu on twitter at faerieuji if you'd like to talk or see me post/tweet about random things and seventeen <3

Jihoon hears the familiar click of the door closing, signalling that Soonyoung had left the apartment once again.

 

_“I’ll be back later.”_

 

Yeah, later.

Jihoon knew what “later” meant.

It meant that Soonyoung was going to come back past sunrise and fall asleep on the couch. It meant him and Jihoon barely seeing or talking to each other. It meant acting like complete strangers despite all the years they’ve spent together, and Jihoon blames no one but himself as to why it’s come to this point.

Jihoon sighs and pads around their apartment, trying to push away the painful ache in his heart at having to see Soonyoung walk away from him another time. Was that how Soonyoung felt before? When Jihoon would avoid him? When he’d walk out during their arguments?

His thoughts are interrupted when he feels _them_ rise at the back of his throat.

They just keep coming huh?

Jihoon ends up hunched over the toilet bowl, coughing violently before eventually vomiting out yellow tulips, the golden petals covered in crimson. Jihoon lets out a hoarse bitter laugh once he’s finished, taking a tissue to wipe away the iron staining his lips. How could a flower symbolizing hopeless love look so beautiful covered in blood?

After flushing away the contents, Jihoon rests his back against the tiled walls of the bathroom. He wonders how long he can keep up, how long he can carry on like this knowing that he was losing Soonyoung right before his very eyes. The only boy he had ever loved, the only boy he could ever love, slipping right through his fingers.

Jihoon bites his lower lip and looks up, trying not to let the tears that were forming in his eyes spill.

Jihoon never cried in front of Soonyoung, ever. No matter how bad the fight got, no matter how sweet the anniversary present was. But for these past months, he’s realized that he’s been spending quite a lot of time crying alone in the confines of his bathroom (which would usually happen right after a bunch of flowers exited his frail body) or in the bedroom while holding Soonyoung’s hoodie close to him.

_Pathetic_. Jihoon thinks to himself.

Jihoon wonders what more he can do, what else he can do, to fix what’s broken in their relationship. But maybe it isn’t their relationship that needs fixing, maybe it’s just…him?

 

_If we ever become unhappy_

_Some day_

_If we separate_

_What do I do?_

 

Soonyoung always kept giving, giving and _giving_. There wasn’t a single day that Soonyoung didn’t give, well, except for these past months. Jihoon understands though. Regardless, Soonyoung had given his entire self, his entire being into loving Jihoon and Jihoon wishes he had the courage to give back just as much.

Throughout the course of their relationship, Soonyoung never asked for anything back. He had always been there for Jihoon. Soonyoung never complained, and would only bring something up if it was really bothering him (like when Jihoon would act coldly towards him out of the blue or if Jihoon wouldn’t tell him anything when there was clearly _something_ going on).  Soonyoung had always tried to understand Jihoon’s point of view regarding everything, even the little things. Soonyoung had always been so kind, so loving, so pure, that Jihoon often wondered why Soonyoung had fallen for him; Soonyoung deserved better and so much more.

Soonyoung’s love was always so persistent and strong, that Jihoon never thought he’d see the day when his boyfriend would get tired of their relationship…and him.

Jihoon was never good with words, and was even worse with expressing himself through actions. Soonyoung was a real trooper for putting up with him and his attitude, not to mention his short-temper, continuously showering Jihoon with love and affection regardless of it all. Whenever Jihoon would say something hurtful, Soonyoung would take it in stride, and always do his best to respond in a calm manner, knowing full well that fighting fire against fire would only create a bigger mess.

Kwon Soonyoung, the boy who loved Jihoon more than he loved himself.

 

_I don’t even wanna think about this_

_But sometimes I do_

_I hope you don’t_

 

When Soonyoung comes home before sunrise that day, Jihoon is surprised, his heart racing as the taller boy enters their apartment.

“H-hey.”

“Hey.”

“You’re home early.”

“Mm.”

Jihoon drops all the thoughts he’s been harbouring, quickly turning on the stove and getting straight to cooking dinner.

 

_It’s been a while._ He thinks, a small smile appearing on his pink lips.

_It’s been a while since Soonyoung’s come home._

 

Soonyoung sits silently by their round dining table, scrolling through his phone before clearing his throat and asking, “Would you like some help?”

Jihoon turns to him and shakes his head, murmuring, “I’m fine.”

This is the least Jihoon can do for Soonyoung, after everything that he’s done, after everything Jihoon has put him through all these months, years—

Once dinner is ready, the two of them eat together with some small talk in between. Jihoon would like to think it’s pleasant, that Soonyoung is suddenly much more chatty with him today, that Soonyoung is actually smiling a bit more.

 

_He looks happy._

 

After clearing out the table and washing the dishes (Soonyoung insists on helping out this time and Jihoon agrees), Soonyoung wraps his fingers around Jihoon’s wrist, startling the younger boy.

“Ji, there’s something I need to tell you.”

Jihoon looks at him with wide eyes as he’s being led to sit on the couch, Soonyoung sitting right across from him. Soonyoung is looking down at their fingers, which he has now intertwined before lifting up his face to meet Jihoon’s gaze.

“What is it?” Jihoon asks softly, words feeling foreign in his throat all of a sudden.

“It’s just…I’ve been thinking. For these past months…I don’t know if you’ve felt or noticed, but things have been pretty distant between us.”

Jihoon nods, an affirmation that he was listening and a cue for Soonyoung to continue.

“What I’m trying to say is that maybe after all this time, after trying to make things work for so long, maybe it’s best for the both of us …if we end things here.” Soonyoung adds, biting his lower lip as he squeezes Jihoon’s hands in his.

Jihoon feels his heart break; he feels it split in two. He’s always known, felt it deep in his gut that Soonyoung would break up with him eventually. He was just never prepared for it to actually happen.

“I-I love you.”

The words tumble out of Jihoon’s lips, soft and broken that it catches both him and Soonyoung off guard. Soonyoung’s eyes widen slightly before he sighs, gently rubbing the pads of his thumb against Jihoon’s smooth knuckles.

Jihoon has a hunch as to what Soonyoung is about to say, and god, he wishes so badly that he doesn’t have to hear it. But he does.

“That’s the thing, Ji.  I…I’ve fallen out of love with you.”

It hits Jihoon like a solid brick to the chest, Soonyoung’s words searing themselves into his mind and soul. Together with the painful squeeze of his heart, the roots of the disease slither and wrap their way around the bones of his ribcage, and Jihoon feels like he can’t breathe, can’t speak.

Ofcourse Soonyoung had fallen out of love. As if the bloody flowers weren’t enough proof of him doing so.

And just like that, the only thing that comes out of Jihoon for the first time are tears.

_I can smile because we’re together_

_I can cry because it’s you_

_So what can’t I do?_

_Whenever, wherever_

_Even if we’re not together, just like always_

_Our smile flowers bloom_

_I’ll be the spring to your smile_

Jihoon allows them to spill from his eyes, looking away from Soonyoung in shame, at the feeling of being so exposed and vulnerable. Jihoon can’t see anything clearly in front of him, his vision blurred from the tears piling up in his eyes as Soonyoung murmurs “I’m sorry” repeatedly into Jihoon’s hands, the silver crown of his head the only thing visible to Jihoon’s sight.

Jihoon carefully pries his hands away from Soonyoung’s grip to wipe his eyes, his nose pink from sniffling. Soonyoung looks broken, his eyes conveying sadness in them, as he dabs at Jihoon’s eyes with tissue.

“Please don’t be sorry, Soonyoung. I’m clearly the reason why things never…worked out. You’ve always tried. You’ve always fought hard for us.” Jihoon manages to speak before taking a deep breath, refusing to cry further than he already has.

“Don’t blame yourself, Ji. I…I also had some fault in this.” Soonyoung responds, his brows furrowed before sighing deeply.

“What do you mean?”

Jihoon’s voice is weak and Soonyoung has never heard him sound like this. Did it have to go this far for Jihoon to be completely honest with him?

“I’m starting to fall for someone else.” Soonyoung finishes, looking down and waiting for Jihoon to snap, to yell or throw something at him.

It never comes.

“Do they make you happy?” Jihoon asks gently and Soonyoung looks up to meet Jihoon’s glassy eyes and a sad, but beautiful smile.

When Soonyoung nods, Jihoon reaches out to cup his face, caressing the smooth skin against his fingers.

“You deserve every good thing that this life has to offer. You deserve happiness, Soonyoung. Please be happy.”

Soonyoung  tries to laugh softly but it comes off as a choked sob as he starts crying as well at Jihoon’s words, pressing his face closer to Jihoon’s touch. “You make me happy too…”

“But not anymore, Soonyoung.”

They sit like that for a while, silence enveloping them before Soonyoung tells Jihoon that he’ll be getting his things ready. Jihoon nods and lets Soonyoung go to gather his belongings from his room.

 

Jihoon feels something crawling in his chest and he coughs out a few bloodied petals, hurriedly wiping them away with tissue and throwing them in the trash bin nearest to him.

 

_He doesn’t have to know._

_He needs to live happily without me being a burden on his shoulders._

 

When Soonyoung comes out of their room with his suitcase in hand, Jihoon knows that it’s the real deal, and that Soonyoung is really leaving him this time. For sure.

Jihoon locks eyes with the boy he has always loved, but was never good at loving and with every bit of courage he has left says,

“Will you stay the night with me?”

 

_I always_

_Only receive from you_

_So I’m so thankful and sorry_

_To the point of tears_

_I wanna hug you_

_But I feel nervous for some reason_

_Why am I hesitating?_

_I don’t wanna be like this_

And that’s how Jihoon finds himself wrapped in Soonyoung’s embrace: warm, inviting, and safe.

Jihoon can’t believe how fast his heart races, just like the first time he fell in love with Soonyoung. He realizes that he never stopped loving Soonyoung, instead growing more in love with the boy from the stars every day.

Never had Jihoon doubted his feelings for him, it was just that Jihoon didn’t know how to show or express his affections well. He was afraid, afraid of giving too much of his heart and losing everything. In the end, he gave much too little and he did lose _his_ everything, in the form of Soonyoung.

 

_Just like the sky is high and the wind is cold_

_Like the ocean is wide and blue_

_I’m afraid that_

_I’ll take you for granted_

_I think that’s why I’m being like this_

_I’m nervous about that_

_What if I lose you?_

_I hope you don’t feel the same_

 

Jihoon holds Soonyoung tightly against him, his head tucked under the taller boy’s chin. Jihoon holds Soonyoung like it’s the last time, and he knows it is; he holds onto Soonyoung like his lifeline, and can’t help the tears that fall down his pale cheeks as he feels the other’s heartbeat against his chest.

He’s cried so much today.

Jihoon thinks, that despite Soonyoung ending things with him and having to leave the next day, he’s still thankful; thankful for being loved by such a beautiful and selfless man. Jihoon is thankful for Soonyoung’s existence, for teaching and showing him how to love, what patience is, what it takes to be a good person; and Jihoon knows that if he passes on the next day because of some disease, he knows that he’s lived a goddamn good life, knowing that he was loved by his greatest love. He couldn’t have asked for more or better.

Jihoon knew that his greatest love also deserved the happiness he was deprived of.

Soonyoung strokes Jihoon’s blonde hair gently as he rocks them both to sleep.

 

_I can smile because we’re together_

_I can cry because it’s you_

_So what can’t I do?_

_Don’t say it’s the end_

_Forever_

_Because I’ll stay by your side_

 

Before Jihoon drifts away forever, seeing his life flash before his eyes, like some dream, in vivid images and colors; he smiles and presses a soft kiss on Soonyoung’s chest (the older boy having fallen asleep) before whispering,

 

“Thank you, Kwon Soonyoung. I will always love you.”

 


End file.
